Updates, Eye Candy and the Pucker Factor

Lately, I've run across a few things I think need to be added to some of my previous blogs... a follow up as it were, because one can never have too many WTF moments Right? 




Now I'm not sure if this belongs in the "How many Links" blog or the most recent "Explain to me Why" one so I'll let you decide. 

Puckerooms... I can't even say that word without a dirty snicker and inappropriate images flashing it's innuendo-laden trench coat through my mind.  Now add Sour and Gummie to the mix and it all slides downhill into Laughyourassoff-ville.  Wonka, you twisted son's a bitches, what made you think this was not only going to be OK to display in the candy isle but be something to sell to children? Can you imagine hearing a kid yell at the top of their lungs as the little heathens usually do  say "Mommy! I want Sour Puckerooms Gummies, can I get em' huh? The Cherry puckeroom is my favorite!"  Of course all the child is looking at is a blob of chewy, sour candy but as an adult (and one such as myself who is a tad off as it is, ahem) would you want watch your kid pop those fungus-esk candies in their mouths knowing they are going to enjoy, albeit innocently, a product with Pucker in the name? Hell, if they were taught any manners whatsoever, they are going to share that with other kids... "Here, want some Sour Puckerooms? You should try the anatomically- suggestive shaped ones!"   


And Why in the shape of a mushroom for fuck sake?  Was it the gummy worms that influenced this next generation of Gummy-Candy-should-not-take-the-form-of... I don't know but I have a bad feeling about the next great idea they come up with.  I think we know what kind of 'Shrooms' those candy developers were eating while thinking this shit up; and I bet they weren't grape flavored!

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This next update definitely goes in the "Only in the Pacific Northwest" blog... and I can't tell you how horrifying this is to me.  

Sluggles Gummies.  Are you Fucking kidding me?! Candy in the shape of a SLUG?! 


Gummy. Slug. Candy.


Oh wait, there's also Snail shapes, yeah that makes it so much more acceptable.


In my blog I explain my violent aversion of these creatures ... in great length in fact.  I was so fascinated with the bag of Puckerooms I didn't notice the bag next to it right away.  When I stopped snickering at the picture I took of the puckers I noticed it's neighboring candy friend... and at first it didn't sink in.  I mean no one would really make a candy slug, it just wasn't done... maybe I read the bag wrong.  No, no I did not read it wrong and the pictures below the name supported the fact that those 'shroomed out fuckleheads had gone to a candy darkness I didn't think possible. 


 Has it come to this Wonka? Have you lost your mind so badly that Sluggles and Sour Puckrooms are the best you can come up with as a product marketed towards children? Really?  You went from the hugely popular gummy Bear and other cute shapes only to end up with Fungi and Gastropods; maybe the next gummy form should be Tree with Sour Moss... it's only logical since  slugs and mushrooms are big fans!  OMG I'm so grossed out right now, UGH.




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Moving on to a more interesting (and less gummy, well maybe) blog addition:  


It's time for "When Ferry Danish goes Eggshit!"  


In the blog "What's the Point?"
I shared my experiences of my daily commute to work and back on the Washington State Ferry system.  The Ferry worker's job consists of directing traffic on and off the boat using a method I like to call... Pointing.  It doesn't look to be a very stressful occupation besides dealing with people who don't pay attention to their pointing and the crappy weather they have to endure ... but recently there was an Incident with one of the Ferry workers that has me rethinking their actual stress level.  Here's the actual article  but basically it's about this guy who drives too fast on Vashon Island (our only other stop on the Southworth/Fauntleroy ferry run) and some guy records him speeding on his cell phone.  Angry-driver gets pissed that someone dare call him on his Alleged asshole behavior so, while waiting in line for the ferry, he smears his Danish on the guys car window and tries to get him to step out of the car.  The guy making the video is being cool and doesn't participate... just takes more footage!  So while getting on the ferry one day the guy who took the video sees the angry driver and realizes it's a Ferry worker aaaaaaand shares his experiences AND video with King 5 news!  LOL, busted!  Angry Ass is on leave but he did apologize to his smear victim who is  not pressing charges, which would be for....  assault with a Pastry?  Along with his apology Angry Ferry's wife set the record straight by admitting that the assault weapon wasn't a Danish... it was an Egg Salad Sandwich;  Whew, 'cause we all  know how dangerous breakfast foods can be!


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And finally ~ I'd like to add one more cape to my "Sweet Cape Vibes" blog and it's a good one!


We went to see the new movie THOR and he was rocking a Pimpin' cape! OK the armor was impressive too but check out the shoulders on this cape, that's some heavy duty starch job!

No, that's not a hammer in my pocket Batman.
(you'd get this if you read the blog!)

Did I say one more cape?  I meant two... because I think I found Thor's ancestor; Spartathor! I believe this was before the invention of starch.. or the Iron... or, Pants.

Did I say one more?  Ok, OK, One more but this is the last one; there's just some things you can't top! Personally I think Wonka should consider this spectacular specimen their next gummy candy shape; it would certainly be some interesting ... Eye Candy!

Oh yeah, I make this look Good!

Explain to me why...

Forgive me Father for I have been a lazy ass sinned;  it's been over a month since my last blog. 

My mom taught me if I didn't have something nice (or interesting) to say then don't say anything at all.  Of course she also said "Wipe that look off your face, Who do you think you are & if you don't like something then Fix It or shut the hell up!"  And while the first two were no fair because there's no correct way to answer them, (they are trick mom-questions designed to get you into even more trouble), the last one still rings true today... if there's something about your life you don't like then Fix it; do something about it, make it better or really, just shut it! So I did. And you're welcome because I was boring as hell this last month.  Now I'm ready to fix my boring by playing a little game I like to call... "Explain to me WHY?"  For the most part this game involves random bitching about things and people with a few snar-castic observations thrown in for good measure. Oh, and for the record,  I still have nothing nice to say but hey, I didn't always listen to my mom.  

So, Port Orchard, Explain to me WHY ...

 Do you have so many Goddamned speed bumps!  Was there a now-defunct speed bump manufacturing plant I don't know about? Was PO part of a test site for future speed bumps? I mean seriously... why are there such a ridiculous amount of those suckers?  Parking lots, drive ways, random roads; They. Are. Everywhere.  I wonder if there was  such an epidemic of crazy people driving-way-too-fast-where-they-shouldn't that the city had no choice but to bring in the big guns and plant strategic concrete humps to get the point across; or is there a deeper, darker secret.  I speculate that what started off to be a good idea turned into an addiction!  They say they can stop anytime they want to but I don't buy that.  Every time there's a new building, new development or an updated site... what shows up like needle tracks on a junkie's arm; yeah, you know the answer.  I suppose we should be grateful they city didn't decide on the alternate, and ultimately more bad-ass ... the Speed Hole.

Damn, there goes another muffler

 To those who ride their horses on the road, explain to me WHY...

In these socially conscientious times it's become not only a moral obligation but evolved into an industry of products unto itself all catering to ... Picking up your Dog's Shit.  I get it, I do.  I get why we should do that, why it's the right thing to do, the neighborly thing to do; but is it just me or is that too fricking weird? I mean you walk your dog, they poop in the grass and the job is done, end of story.  Ah, but wait, there's more... people are watching you, waiting for you to pull out a plastic baggie, reach down and pick that just-laid land mine up and properly dispose of the offending offal like it was no big deal, like you didn't just Pick. Up. Shit.  I can only imagine how proud the douche bag that first came up with this idea is; now, thanks to him, there are websites specifically designed to sell 'dog poop removal systems' ... I bet he's a CEO of some dog waste company laughing his ass off all the way to the bank.  Why would I assume it's a 'He' you ask?  Because I'm positive the 'Shes' of this nation have other, better things to focus on; like horse shit.

So if we have become so obsessed with keeping our pet's digestive material off the ground and out of site... Horse riders, explain to me why it's OK for your little pony to poop anywhere it wants and you guys just walk away.  Just leave that huge steaming pile on the road without any thought that someone may have to navigate around that smelly crap, that we have to deal with that ginormous poop-mountain as you walk into the sunset without a care in the world.  Why wouldn't you have to get off your high horse, (snick, you knew I'd go for that pun right?), and deal with your pet's 'gifts' like we do?  And don't give me the "dogs eat protein and horses don't" excuse either... you know what I'm talking about and it's not about who's pooh is more or less harmful. It still gets on my car tires, looks ugly on the side of the road, (if we are lucky it on the side), and it  came from Your animal! 

However, I have a solution that should be considered;  in fact it's quite brilliant!

In March Ryan turned 21 and we were surprised, (and very blessed; thank you Rene and Kraig),  to be giving a trip to Vegas to celebrate!  Ry and I got the happy news and 2 days later we were in the air toward warmer, dryer weather....and things like palm trees, ahhh the feel of not having to wear a coat; it felt so good.

Giant alcohol- infused slushies... yep, Vegas has em!

  

We stayed at Planet Hollywood and had the best time sampling different drinks, playing video poker, walking around in 75° weather, meeting up with my Aunt Ruthy and high school friends... even saw Penn and Teller at the Rio!  

Planet Hollywood had a huge mall called the Miracle Mile where you can find all kinds of restaurants, clothing stores, specialty shops and just about anything you'd need to complete your Vegas experience... even their very own strip club... that has strip karaoke; huh, now there's an image I didn't need in my head.

Anyway, during our mall experience we passed a store that sold kids clothing and I noticed that one of the manikins dressed in boy clothing looked oddly out of place... no, not out of place, but something wasn't quite right. Hmmm...  oh Hell, I see it now.  Hey Vegas, explain to me WHY that boy is wearing 3 layers of clothing like he's from the Pacific Northwest.  You are in the Desert and it's almost summer, WTH?  I know what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas but you have gone too far this time.  Too Far!                                Oh, and that hand going all Michael Jackson on his non-existent  junk, yeah that's probably not cool either. Just saying.

On our flight back Ryan's eyes closed for awhile and he exhibited all the signs of someone who had fallen asleep... snoring, slack jaw, rapid eye movement... but it was NOT a nap, no Way!  Ryan considers sleeping during any kind of daylight hours to be a weakness and reference to that will not be tolerated!  So, on our cab ride back from the airport I mentioned his getting a nap in before we landed.  He again snapped at corrected me that he wasn't asleep and it wasn't a damn NAP! I said "Geez dude, we've been partying in Vegas for three days, it's OK to be a little tired!"   In the dark of the cab, rain pouring down on the roof I hear him mutter "That's so weird to hear a mom say that kind of thing."  I, of course, had to remind him... "Yeah, well kid, I've never been a typical mom."  He had no choice but to agree.  He's smart that way! LOL

So raise your glass...or aluminum beer bottle!

While waiting for the elevator to take us downstairs to check out we left someone just starting their adult adventure in Vegas a small  token... I hope Samuel  found a good home, even if he was one bottle short of a six-pack.

 

Art and the Rabtti

In an effort to consolidate the boxes in our garage (with the hope that someday it would house an actual car instead of acting as a glorified storage unit) I dug into a couple boxes that had school work that my mom had saved from grade school.  It was an eye opening experience that I just have to share... lucky YOU!

Among all the papers were old report cards which reminded me of how average a student I was; and how much I appreciate Spell Check because, apparently, I was hooked on Foniks! I noticed a disturbing trend in the report cards when it came to ART class and I thought it was a little unfair for the teachers to judge so harshly... i mean I was a kid, how bad could my art be to be graded in the low C or high D category?  Year after year I improved on most of my classes but not ART; what the hell? 

Digging through more school stuff I found some clues that would bring to light this hater-like attitude to my, uh, 'Art'?  

Now in my defense I was young when I did this, er, Abstract piece. Yes, Abstract... I mean look at the use of color and what can only be intentional-dripping to personify the effect of, ummm, gravity's pull on the blueness of the soul. In fact it exudes so much Abstract Expressionism it would make Jack Pollock, (aka; Jack the Dripper), cry with envy! This is totally B+ grading right here, by golly.

This next piece was obviously from my self-impressionism stage of life... I think. 
The cut out job was pretty good but I only did half my eye makeup, the socks SO don't go with that lovely frock, those pointy-toe shoes are way too wedgie; and where the fuck are my fingers?! 


Yep, starting to see where my art skills may have been questioned, but hey, don't mess with my cut out... she looks like she could kick your ass or at least wedge her shoe up there!






And then I found this.  It was for 
Easter; an Easter Rabtti.  


My Easter Rabtti is, ahhhh, colorful and 
looks to be happy, I guess?  I think that cheerful orange face is trying to hide the fact that
there appears to be some malformation in the arm and leg proportions and, Holy Yuck, is that stomach protrusion some kind of intestinal disorder? Naw, probably just ate too many of those freakishly red eggs ... the ones in that basket, you know, next to the 'goldden' egg which is, Sigh, Grey.

There really is no 'Ism' that could describe this... whatever this is.  

Yeah, I get it now. What those teachers must have thought when looking at my 'art', those poor bastards.




So, I think I finally figured out that my talent didn't express itself so much in Art but more in developing a wicked, and eventually snotty, snarky vocabulary! It can be seen here in this little rhyme which, while not exactly correct, pretty much sums up the sentiment my exploration of Art:


"One, Two: buckel my shoe.
Three, Fore: Don't open the door.
Five, Six: Pick up Stickes
Seven, Eight: Open the gate
Nice, Ten: PISS on the ham"

(and by ham, I'm positive I meant ART)





Over the years you may think that someone so obviously handicapped in the Art department would stay away from things they cannot control... but there are times when the crayons are just sitting there, waiting for true inspiration to explode on the white canvas, (this one created in 2009).  Maybe, just maybe this time it will happen, I'll draw something so profoundly beautiful that I will have my redemption, my A+ ... or not.

Hey, it was worth a try... and that blue thing is a duck; a close relation to the Easter Rabtti.

And your Point is?

How's your commute to work and back? Mine is pretty damn cool… plus I get to see this a lot, well, when the sun is out anyway.  I ride the boats of the Washington State Ferry system every day and after 6 years it's become apparent that the workers who get us safely on and off the boat each day have a unique job description, like no one else's; They Point.

Oh there's some waving and a bit of arm movement as well but for the most part they Point.  See the guy in the stylish neon yellow and orange vest… see what he's doing?

 He's indicating exactly where he wants your car to go with the simple yet effective action of  extending his index finger and by golly you do what that finger says! Sometimes they will help you get your car as close to the one in front of you (*rant to follow later) with a little 'bring it, bitch' finger wave and if you are really good and stop to their satisfaction you get jazz hands as a reward.

Now I'm not trying to belittle their job, I mean what they do involves a lot of thought and skill to get as many vehicles as possible on the boat and you can tell the ones who have been doing it for years; they have that glazed-over look but don't you dare try and go rogue and park where they haven't pointed you to!  That shit isn't happening… did I mention they can yell, like really loudly?  They can and then the Point gets up close and personal, gulp.  It's no surprise that they have developed an attitude considering some of the dip shits super geniuses they have to deal with every day.  I mean all you have to do is follow the finger and park your car; simple right? It's not rocket surgery here people!

I wonder if they have to attend Pointing School, hmmmm.

The things they have to put up with every day must drive them crazy because I have a couple that make me insane… look out people, it's time to RANT!
(Some of you may have heard a portion of this rant before but it bares repeating… it does!)

It seems that almost every ferry boat ride someone’s car alarm goes off because boats, I don’t know,  fucking Move when it's on the water and evidently the crime rate on a Ferry is so drastic that people feel the need to turn their car alarm on… and then go upstairs, leaving their motion-sensitive, alarmed car Alone.  Really?  Because there's a majority of passengers, such as myself, who choose to stay in their car and would pretty much Notice if someone was breaking into their shit … hell, we might even say something to them like "dude, I can see you!"  But no, it takes a ferry worker announcing over the speaker system that a blue BMW's alarm is going off to get their ass back to their car to turn that piece of shit OFF  secure the alarm.  There's not even a walk of shame… they aren't in the least sorry that we've had to listen to that loud, obnoxious, unnecessary sound for the last 5 minutes it's taken to get to their car.  No, they are annoyed that they have to come all the way down and look suspiciously around as if they think someone may have actually tried to break into their car.  Yeah, cause that's how you get away with a bunch of great stuff; breaking into a car that's surrounded by 100+ other parked cars with people in them! GAH! 

And another thing... as I just Pointed out, boats Move and so does your car unless you engage your parking / emergency brake.  It’s so simple really but so many choose to just put their car in park and sit there as they rock back and forth when we do that controlled-crash thing otherwise known as docking. Given that we are parked so close together it’s only a matter of time before those that roll will hit another car... duh!  Parking / Emergency brake... use it. *End Rant* Whew, is it hot in here or is it just me? 

The only other job description that could even come close to what the Ferry workers do would be those construction sign-flaggers… you know the ones that have a Stop / Slow sign on a stick and are usually smoking a cigarette, looking so damn bored they wondered how they got to this point in their life, I mean my Gawd they point for a living, WTF?! But wait, they do more than that… they Point AND turn a sign from Slow to Stop. Ahhh, it all becomes much better than they'd previously thought; It's almost as satisfying as canned cheese. Almost.

And my Point is?  Do what you do with the best you've got.  Take pride in your job and in your Life, even if it involves index fingers, signs you twirl or, uhh … canned cheese, (and a stoned anteater), cause damn life's too short to miss out on that shit!

Welcome 2011… I have a feeling it's going to be an amazingly non-boring year! LOL