Only in the Pacific Northwest...

Preface:  I don’t hate many things in life but there are a few things that, when I do use the word Hate in reference to, I frickin mean it. 

I Hate Slugs.  Those gelatinous blobs of snot have absolutely no reason to exist in this world except, perhaps, as duck food.  Snails are slightly less vile only because they have a shell and don’t expose their entire gooey carcasses for the world to see.  The slime those ghastly gastropods emit only completes my disgust factor…those glistening goo trails that never seem to dissipate brings me full circle as to why I Hate Slugs.  The fact that people actually cook and eat snails, (with butter because, excuse me, it would be so wrong to forget that important dairy product while eating slugs snails!), gags me green.  

Ok, so now that you are intimately aware of my epic issues with the you-know-whats, let me just share this with you:

Only in the Pacific Northwest will you... 

Last week I went out to my car to go to work and there was a huge banana slug On My Car! Like almost to the roof On My Car.  WTF? How?  I mean how does a slug actually climb a car?  I can see starting with a tire but honestly how did that secreting bastard reach the wheel well enough to continue his quest to the top of Mt. Toyota?  (If you aren’t familiar with the Banana slug, they are large and resemble an old, black-spotted banana in a kind I’m-so-not-eating-that-ever kind of way … and then add drippy goop; yeah, sounds tasty doesn’t it? *Shudder* Seriously, I don’t think even the duck would eat that shit).  My guess is that this was a particularly over zealous and vastly directionally challenged slug with a can-do, ( but why?), attitude.  Never the less that slick sucker was stuck to my car and I didn’t have time to cause much violence dislodge it from my car so off I drove to the Ferry.  I don’t know how long it took Sluggy to figure out that no good could come from his current situation and bail but when I got to work he was gone.  I sincerely hope he didn’t decide to make the Ferry his new home… can you imagine one of the workers looking up only to see a huge slug stuck to the side of the wall and thinking “WTF?     How?”

I thought that would be the end of that horrific, random weirdness but I was wrong…

The next morning I go out to my car and see…WTF?!  New slug tracks All Over My Car! I’m saying, allllllll over the car; my car was slug-raped.  GAH!  I can’t tell you how violated I felt on behalf of my poor car, a victim of revenge.  It had to be a relative of Sluggy’s that defiled the innocent paint job on my car… some sick retaliation for doing a drive-by on his banana cousin; that’s the only thing that would explain the colossal ‘Screw You’ messaged slimmed all over My CAR!  Did I mention I really Hate slugs?

I’m not without resources to counteract those who would defile my precious transportation, oh No!  Tonight those depraved fucks are going to have a delicious meal compliments of Bayer Advanced Slug and Snail KILLER; (Safe to use around pets and wildlife) Muwahahahahaaaa! 

If they thought they could take over my ride and gross me green they have another thing coming… Tommy Lee Jones and I have only this to say to them: