It was a simple trip to the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, or at least it should have been simple. Now I realize that going to Fred Meyers on a weekend is just asking for trouble, especially if you want to run in and grab a few things quickly, but I was optimistic … and that was my first mistake. Any time you combine a grocery store with an anything-else-you-could-possible-want store the probability of doing anything Quickly diminishes significantly considering the amount of people per square inch that store can hold, (and trust me, it can hold a shit-load of people… and they were. All. There. Sunday).
After dodging the little brats scouts selling cookies at the entrance I grab a cart and plunge into what would be a frustrating yet enlightened hour long experience. Did you know that you can actually be invisible while shopping? It’s true… or at least that’s what it felt like on Sunday. In the vegetable section no one could see me; no one could see that my cart and I were trying to break up a town hall meeting in front of the onions. Nope, this little cluster of people rallied around the onions and had a lively debate about how Walla Walla’s were so much better than Vidalia’s in a soup but you couldn’t beat a red onion for topping hot dogs and hamburgers with. I had to agree with that last statement since I was hoping to score said red onion for dinner… that is if they would get out of the goddamn way! Eventually I must have returned to a solid and they noticed that ‘Hey, darn if we aren’t in the way’ and drifted, in their matching pumpkin orange shirts, over to monopolize the lettuce, which I’m certain contained more intelligence than those onion-hog-ers.
Somewhere in between the cereal and the condiment isle I noticed a new trend that has become quite popular…half full grocery cart abandonment. Just random carts seemingly belonging to no one sitting in the middle of the, naturally, busy isle! I mean, just sitting there all by it’s self, alone and cast off… or so you think. After a few minutes someone with a huge arm full of groceries comes down the isle and throws their stuff in the now non-abandoned cart. Apparently these people have decided that pushing a cart up and down an isle is far too much work and instead leave it where it can cause the most frustration for people to negotiate around and go gather their food from as far as the next isle over…and then bring it back to their cart. Is it just me or is that way more work than just pushing the cart as you shop? I can see if you need mustard and it’s a few steps away from your cart and the isle is stacked with other people, (who are seemingly having a mental battle with themselves over which baked beans are the best… to which I say “Bushes baked beans, you know, with the cute/maniacal talking dog,” now move along!), but grab what you need, go back to your cart and get on with it!
I finally make it to the final destination before I can check out and make my escape; the milk isle, oooooooh the dreaded milk isle. The Port Orchard Freddy’s has the thought process that putting a table full of cookies in front of the Milk is a brilliant sales plan… I mean who doesn’t like milk and cookies? I don’t. I don’t like the table that sits in the middle of the isle creating a grocery cart traffic nightmare! It wouldn’t be so bad if the people who need milk would cruise by, grab their milk and leave the area… but they don’t. They study the vast array of choices the milk cooler offers; 2% or whole, organic or store brand, gallon or half gallon, chocolate or soy… sooooo many choices. Do you know what kind of milk your family drinks? I do. It’s 2% organic and I know where it’s located in the milk cooler. I buy pretty much the same thing only differing when something similar is on sale. That being said, I’m pretty sure most people know what kind of milk they drink and the approximate location of where it lives. But in my short bus special Freddys there seems to be some confusion regarding the selection of something that is so simple… it’s as though they become mesmerized and can’t process what they are seeing. It’s MILK people; it’s not the cereal isle where you can literally spend an entire day picking out the perfect crunchy, fiber laden, energy giving, diet helping, multi-grained breakfast food… no, it’s MILK. Put it in your cart, grab the damn cookies and go ponder the eggs, they are slightly less complicated; brown or white, cage free or regular, half a dozen or 6?
Through the check out with the usual invasive discussion of the items I’m buying from the clerk … are they really that bored that they have to add their opinion about my choice of toothpaste? I make it to the door… the door of freedom, Yes!
Aaaaand plunged right into the vile nest of short, uniformed do-gooder scouts; Shit. Now I know this is going to shock your sensibilities to the core but I’m really not into other people’s children and adults begging for money, even if it’s for a really good cause. I resent the fact that I have to be under some kind of unspoken yet implied moral obligation to give someone my money for a crappy box of cookies I won’t eat… and don’t even get me started on the bell ringers during the holidays! (Oh, I’ll rant about those, yes I will, but that’s for another time) With a (mostly) polite smile I lie say “No thanks, already got some” and skulk past the parents who give me the look that says ‘Oh what? My kid’s not good enough to buy cookies from?’ I’m thinking … why can’t I be invisible to these juvenile, cookie-pushing pimps? Gah!
If I’ve learned anything from this experience it’s that I live in an area that represents a group of people that are the dichotomy between ‘Normal’ and The Twilight Zone. My plan is to observe and make note of the behavior patterns of these so called humans… I’m pretty damn sure there are Aliens among us and they live in PO. I’ll let you know what I find… it sure as Hell won’t be boring! }:o)
As I perused through the cheese section of QFC I ran across this... and frankly I don't know whether it's a good thing to be Semi-Anything let alone Mild, but since it looked like a personal issue, I wished Cheddar the best of luck and moved to the Big Cheese section; hey Big is always better than Semi, right? 
