Personal Enhancement, Cialis and a Reason.. kinda

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A friend of mine suggested I Google "Vajazzling" which, of course I did, because when Anna waggles her eyebrows suggesting something scandalous and smutty who am I to resist?  According to Urban Dictionary the reason this practice is done is "To give the female genitals a sparkly makeover with crystals so as to enhance their appearance."  Or, as I like to think of it, a way to give your vajaja a reason to get all red and bumpy from shaving (or worse, waxing) then seriously pissed at having bling hot glued to it's already aggrieved, uhhh, Lady Garden! 

'Suggestive' for the not so subtle

There's all kinds of designs and phrases you can vajazzle, some are cute, some sexually suggestive and some that are pretty intricate; look it up, I know you want to.

 My question is once those crystals start to fall off, to only God knows where, and there is regrowth in the Garden does that still enhance your appearance or do you just look like something the cat dragged in? 

An extremely irritated pussy with low self esteem and possible performance issues now that the bling has faded. 

No, not this (at least I hope not).

Of course, not to be outdone, the men have their own line of strategically placed sparkly jewels glued onto their  bits and pieces called, (and we're going downtown to obvious-ville here),  Pejazzling.  Makes for quite a mental visual doesn't it...

Yes, now Here's a visual!

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And while we are pondering personal enhancement I'd like to ask the makers of the drug Cialis (for men with erectile dysfunction... because most women don't have erectiles, and if we did they wouldn't dysfunction unless we goddamn wanted them too and that would only be like once a month when it's dangerous to be around any body part of ours let alone if we had an erectile and Where the hell is the chocolate?!) 




I don't need another pill..umm, the water is cold.

Ahem... anyway, Cialis has a few commercials about "everyday moments turning romantic" where the woman is doing some chore, like cooking dinner, mountains of laundry or painting a wall when the drugged-penis man comes up and gives her the 'heeeeyyyyyy baby' smile and poof, they end up in separate bathtubs somewhere in the great outdoors with a killer view and, apparently, no laws governing public nudity.  Is there a particular reason there are two bathtubs when the entire point of taking the drug is to have nothing in the way of experiencing the 'romance'? Looking at the picture I'd say there was quite a bit in the way if they really wanted to... ya know... test-drive the super dragon.

Oh and guess what, those chores aren't going to finish themselves and I'm pretty sure that dinner is burned! 

See, look at me, always thinking... I know, right? You are stunned at my train wreck of thoughts.  I may not look that bright but sometimes I amaze even myself with such brilliant observations.





What?  Nooooo, I haven't been drinking my hair dye again... that was One time and I told you, I was out of chocolate and that hot glue itched like a son of a bitch. 



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And now for no reason what so ever... I leave you with a final thought of the day and, perhaps, you too may experience this kind of personal enhancement of the spirit.  Try it, I know you want to.

Bitch Fest and Naughty Dolls

Did you ever have one of those days, or in my case Weeks, where you feel bitchy for no apparent reason what so ever?  Yeah, you too?  Good, then this blog segment will make perfect sense to you... and if it doesn't then look at the pretty pictures and think of your happy place.

Let the Bitch-Fest begin! 

So, let me start off by saying that I think people who ride their bicycles for the exercise and saving money on gas have the right idea... too bad those who ride their bikes on major roads where cars drive on are about one second away, at any time, from becoming a pile of ouchie!  I'm sure most of the bike riders try to follow the rules, look both ways and try not to challenge the main source of traffic on the roads... you know, Cars.  But there are those who do Not try, even a little, to stay out of death's way and feel it's their right as a self-righteous bike rider to just take their slice of road right out of the middle.  If you are in NY city and are a bike messenger then I can see you weaving in and out of traffic, taking unnecessary risk to deliver that paperwork that will save the world... but this is West Seattle folks and all you look like is an inconsiderate Asshole who rides a bike because you can't afford a car.  It's like we have to baby sit those wanna-be messengers because they can't possibly take responsibility for their irresponsible actions all the while shouting to the world how much right they have to be on the road.  Yes, I agree, and I'm more than willing to share the road if you'd just turn your head once in a while and see if there's a vehicle behind you before you decide to cross the road.  Is it because you are missing a couple wheels on your mode of transportation that you forget how soft and squishy you are?  I don't want to hurt you, much, so please stop trying to be all 'street' about your biking abilities and become aware of your surroundings... and guys, maybe not wear that skin-tight aerodynamic outfit while you ride cause there's just no way not to see your junk anatomy and other bits, (Um, the One exception being the dude who rides the ferry in the morning... you can just keep wearing that gear; you work out don't you? Rowr).

I recently had surgery to remove a uterus harboring a fibroid the size of a grapefruit. It was an interesting experience to be sure and the outcome was successful but it was something I will avoid in the future... while the service was excellent in my overnight stay and the drugs were delicious I just felt it was a little over done with all the tubes, machines and other devices attached to my body.  I prefer a more simple vacation venue, something that involves warm water, a lounge chair and a drink boy named Raul; oh yes, and a side of Percocet. 

I had my first ever tooth extraction a couple weeks ago, after 2 root canals trying to save said extracted tooth.  Yeah, I'm done with having things removed from my body... especially if it involves knives, needles and/or pliers. Big fucking pliers!



Random Warning: 
If you are in your car and you want to pull out in front of me, go for it!  But only if it looks like you have enough time so I don't slam on my brakes and your car is up for major sudden acceleration.  If, however, you pull out in front of me and make me have to break hard and then you go 10 miles under the speed limit you are going to find me so close to your ass that I'm going to be pulling your hair bitch!  Just wait till I go by and then do your 'I think I can, oh I guess I can't' act OK?  Seriously. Or better yet, get a bike... you'll fit right in.




Hi, I'm Scary. Are you my new Mommy? I brought you a present.

Does this doll kind of creep you out a little?  It does me.  She looks like she could suddenly take a deep breath, blink those glassy blue eyes, produce a huge bloody axe hidden in her lacey pink frock and laugh in a maniacal manner while rasping "Here's Johnny!"  What's equally scary is that this doll was gone the next time I went to this store...she either walked away on her own or some poor kid has a new friend and now needs therapy for some reason.






I found Scary's sister Tudey (as in AttiTude) in the goodwill the other day.  Look at her...she's all up in your face like "Oh, what'chu lookin at Huh?  You wanna Go? Huh?  Cause I can Go all day you sorry piece of  thrift shopper! UHN, daz right, I didn't think so!" 

Whew, Tudey is one bad ass baller eh?!  It's got to be the bear necklace... you don't get any badder wearing that kind of bling.

Yes, badder is a word, especially when you wear da bear.

 







Well, I feel better... how about you?  What's sets you off and you wish, just once, you could say it and be heard. Understood and applauded.  To be Right!

I have trouble saying things out loud sometimes because you can't take back words... there is no back button to use and damn if I don't use the Hell out of that back button on the computer.  I suspect if we all had that verbal back button option there'd be a lot more love in this world.  Maybe. It would certainly be more Funner! 

Enough already!

One of my New Year's resolutions, (oh hell, it was my Only resolution), was to be more proactive on my blog; keep the updates current and not have, oh say, two or three months go by without blogging anything.

Yeah... and 2 1/2 months later here I am. Finally.  Way to be current eh?  It's not that I don't have lots of things to snark about or observances that you desperately Need to Know, but I've discovered that I put too much pressure on myself to always have the perfect blog in every post.  Always have to have the best to write down and share... only thing is, I think too much, try too hard and then I just ... Don't.  I mean I bring "I'll do it later" like nobodies business.  I write things I'd like to blog about down on a note pad, (and they are damn good too! she said modestly),  but when it comes time to pull up a new page and git'r done... I Don't.  What if it's stupid, what if I'm not funny enough or interesting enough... what if It's not enough.  Do you ever feel that way?

 I love, love, LOVE snarky-potty-mouth-OMG-you-did-Not-just-say-that humor and life just feeds it to me with a constant stream of  "oh yeah, I'm going to say that shit out loud for reals!"  But it shouldn't have to be (in my eclectic mind) in big, epic proportions that I 'perfectly produce' each blog... so with that being said, I'm going to continue to share what makes me laugh, cringe and go No fucking Way! but in a, probably, less refined fashion.  Besides, this blog is more for me than you; well, kinda.  If it's not enough for you, I understand completely... it's like those people who move next to an airport and have the nerve to complain about the noise; uhhh yeah dip shit, if you don't like the noise don't move there 'cause it's going to happen!  If you don't like what I read, don't read it!  It's OK, really! 

I'd like to think I'm going to give myself a break in real life like I am in my blog.  Maybe you should too... give yourself permission to Not be perfect or epic or enough, because sometimes we just can't be; sometimes we just Don't. 



OK, so enough of that!  Here's a few things I have on my list and there's enough Really?! to go around.

So, what's up with Adults needing to revert to child-like behaviour and causing a whole new product line to be created just because they can't swallow a vitamin with a drink of wine water. I get that some people can't take pills that way and that's why there's a need for chewable vitamins, but did it have to go to the Gummy level? Apparently, according to the commercials promoting this new phase of adult health care, if you use these gummy vitamins you will indeed revert back to childish behaviour and throw food at each other while laughing in a giddy 'OMG I feel soooo much better since my Multi tastes like vitamin-esk gelatinous candy children usually eat' kind of way. And who do you think is going to clean up that food fight mess?  Yep, it's the adults who created it and I bet they regret throwing all those strained peas and tippy cup milk around because that shit sticks to everything!

And speaking of childish and messy shit, have you seen the commercial for Luvs diapers? The premise for this charming gem is a contest of cartoon babies who are competing to see who can produce the biggest, most explosive and impressive poop without blowing out their diapers... all to the music of "Whoomp there it is" where they instead say, (I bet you know what I'm going to say...) "Poop there it is!" There's a crowd of cheering fans and even a few judges that hold up numbers rating their thoughts on the gastric efforts of each contestants, ahhh, qualifying attempts. Spoiler alert: the last baby has the biggest poop and wins; a shocking and unexpected ending, I know.

Now I'm assuming that there was some form of Adult interaction in the initial marketing idea and story board; I mean someone had to think this crap up *snicker* and have the nerve to initiate a dialog with other Power Thinkers to receive validation that this is a most excellent idea!  I'm also assuming that a few of his fellow colleagues responded to his whoomp/poop-parody-ridden idea with "Party on Dude!" and "Is it 4:20 yet?" There's no way you can come up with crazy stuff like that and not be high. No. Fucking. Way.

That I'm so compelled to not only remember these examples of absurd commercialism but feel the imperative need to share them proves one glaring fact... I watch too damn much TV! 


Or Not, because when it comes to potential gutter-mutter blog material and Television, I can never get....  Enough.

Warrey Christmas 2011

       Warrey Christmas  2011

Merry Meet to you and yours in this calm and mild December … actually it was pretty darn calm and mild, weather wise, the entire year and I’m not complaining one bit!  While the rest of the nation was wicked hot, wicked cold or dealing with wicked-witch-of-the-west winds we here in our little pocket of the Pacific Northwest waiting for our turn of wicked something…that never came. In fact it took so long to warm up in the Summer the tomato plants I was finally able to plant told me not to hold my breath on getting any actual tomatoes to eat since they would be ripe right around the time of the first fall frost.  I never realized tomatoes were so cynical but it turns out they were right; smarty plants.   So now the snow skiers are whining about the lack of snow but I could have told them not to bother since I have studded tires on the car, thus ensuring no need for them, of course.

Other than the innocuous weather things around here were pretty good in 2011..  Steve, aka World of Warcraft  extraordinaire, took on the onerous task of ‘re-doing’ the deck.  It’s a big deck with lots of wood surface that had to be stripped, primed and finally stained.  It turned out great, especially since I was not involved in that project!  I was, however, perfectly encouraging to his efforts to get the second coat of stain on by informing him when he missed a spot; and then ducked quickly … those paint brushes sting!  (Hey, like how I got the tomato plants and the beautifully restored deck at the same time?  What can I say, it’s all in the timing … and word wrap).  Steve still does battle with the dreaded Scotch Broom but I have to say he is making headway… another 20 years and he could win!

When I’m not cheering from the deck sidelines I’m floating to and from my job in West Seattle.  This year Ryan is working at the studio as well so we get to commute together; thrilling as that is for him I’m sure he’d rather be driving his new car!  This spring, after careful research and ponderous choices he found the perfect car… a 2008 Lightning Red Subaru Impreza!  It’s really Impreza-ing too!  (Oh come on, you know you wanted to say that too).  He’s having a blast and building credit… yeah car payments!  LOL

Baylee the dog and Bobby the Kat have survived another year of never getting any rest and nearly starving to death, according to them.  Baylee, who is 11, finds her best nap times are in the middle of our king size bed stretched waaaaay out so that the humans barely have enough room on either side of her; not that it’s an issue with Her but she does heave a heavy Sigh or two when her humans whine that she’s being a bed hog.

I put her ‘favorite’ jingle bell elastic collar on her and took this picture… notice how it’s got lots of room around her neck?  Yeah, well when we put it on Bobby’s neck there was a lot of room too but when he got it lodged around his middle, there was no room at all; in fact it fit quite snugly. When he ran around the front room it was like Santa’s reindeer at full speed. So I say to you Bobby Kat, you Sir, are not starving to death! 

Oh, I forgot to mention that Steve has become quite the Chef this year!  He got me a magazine subscription to the Food Network and while looking through them he saw a few dishes that sounded good enough to make… so he did!  At first he was unsure of just how to go about it but I was, again, amazingly encouraging and told him “Dude, you know how to fly big Airplanes!  Follow the instructions and it will be fine!”  See, who could not succeed with such gentle guidance?  So he proceeded to go wicked on mashed potatoes with sour cream, butter, horseradish and crispy fried bacon!  Now he’s all things crispy bacon, including fried green beans with red pepper flakes, onion and… more Bacon!  While I take all credit for his monumental cooking success I will give him credit on finding the best and most versatile fatty-Mcfat-fat meats of all times.  Can’t wait to see what he comes up with next month.

I hope your year had times of calm and mild, with a side of bacon.  We wish you a happy and successful New Year with love and laughter to help you along the way.  Know you are loved and if that’s not enough… there’s always the Food Network, (and bacon). 

 

                                Dee Dee, Steve  &  Ryan