Explain to me why...

Forgive me Father for I have been a lazy ass sinned;  it's been over a month since my last blog. 

My mom taught me if I didn't have something nice (or interesting) to say then don't say anything at all.  Of course she also said "Wipe that look off your face, Who do you think you are & if you don't like something then Fix It or shut the hell up!"  And while the first two were no fair because there's no correct way to answer them, (they are trick mom-questions designed to get you into even more trouble), the last one still rings true today... if there's something about your life you don't like then Fix it; do something about it, make it better or really, just shut it! So I did. And you're welcome because I was boring as hell this last month.  Now I'm ready to fix my boring by playing a little game I like to call... "Explain to me WHY?"  For the most part this game involves random bitching about things and people with a few snar-castic observations thrown in for good measure. Oh, and for the record,  I still have nothing nice to say but hey, I didn't always listen to my mom.  

So, Port Orchard, Explain to me WHY ...

 Do you have so many Goddamned speed bumps!  Was there a now-defunct speed bump manufacturing plant I don't know about? Was PO part of a test site for future speed bumps? I mean seriously... why are there such a ridiculous amount of those suckers?  Parking lots, drive ways, random roads; They. Are. Everywhere.  I wonder if there was  such an epidemic of crazy people driving-way-too-fast-where-they-shouldn't that the city had no choice but to bring in the big guns and plant strategic concrete humps to get the point across; or is there a deeper, darker secret.  I speculate that what started off to be a good idea turned into an addiction!  They say they can stop anytime they want to but I don't buy that.  Every time there's a new building, new development or an updated site... what shows up like needle tracks on a junkie's arm; yeah, you know the answer.  I suppose we should be grateful they city didn't decide on the alternate, and ultimately more bad-ass ... the Speed Hole.

Damn, there goes another muffler

 To those who ride their horses on the road, explain to me WHY...

In these socially conscientious times it's become not only a moral obligation but evolved into an industry of products unto itself all catering to ... Picking up your Dog's Shit.  I get it, I do.  I get why we should do that, why it's the right thing to do, the neighborly thing to do; but is it just me or is that too fricking weird? I mean you walk your dog, they poop in the grass and the job is done, end of story.  Ah, but wait, there's more... people are watching you, waiting for you to pull out a plastic baggie, reach down and pick that just-laid land mine up and properly dispose of the offending offal like it was no big deal, like you didn't just Pick. Up. Shit.  I can only imagine how proud the douche bag that first came up with this idea is; now, thanks to him, there are websites specifically designed to sell 'dog poop removal systems' ... I bet he's a CEO of some dog waste company laughing his ass off all the way to the bank.  Why would I assume it's a 'He' you ask?  Because I'm positive the 'Shes' of this nation have other, better things to focus on; like horse shit.

So if we have become so obsessed with keeping our pet's digestive material off the ground and out of site... Horse riders, explain to me why it's OK for your little pony to poop anywhere it wants and you guys just walk away.  Just leave that huge steaming pile on the road without any thought that someone may have to navigate around that smelly crap, that we have to deal with that ginormous poop-mountain as you walk into the sunset without a care in the world.  Why wouldn't you have to get off your high horse, (snick, you knew I'd go for that pun right?), and deal with your pet's 'gifts' like we do?  And don't give me the "dogs eat protein and horses don't" excuse either... you know what I'm talking about and it's not about who's pooh is more or less harmful. It still gets on my car tires, looks ugly on the side of the road, (if we are lucky it on the side), and it  came from Your animal! 

However, I have a solution that should be considered;  in fact it's quite brilliant!

In March Ryan turned 21 and we were surprised, (and very blessed; thank you Rene and Kraig),  to be giving a trip to Vegas to celebrate!  Ry and I got the happy news and 2 days later we were in the air toward warmer, dryer weather....and things like palm trees, ahhh the feel of not having to wear a coat; it felt so good.

Giant alcohol- infused slushies... yep, Vegas has em!

  

We stayed at Planet Hollywood and had the best time sampling different drinks, playing video poker, walking around in 75° weather, meeting up with my Aunt Ruthy and high school friends... even saw Penn and Teller at the Rio!  

Planet Hollywood had a huge mall called the Miracle Mile where you can find all kinds of restaurants, clothing stores, specialty shops and just about anything you'd need to complete your Vegas experience... even their very own strip club... that has strip karaoke; huh, now there's an image I didn't need in my head.

Anyway, during our mall experience we passed a store that sold kids clothing and I noticed that one of the manikins dressed in boy clothing looked oddly out of place... no, not out of place, but something wasn't quite right. Hmmm...  oh Hell, I see it now.  Hey Vegas, explain to me WHY that boy is wearing 3 layers of clothing like he's from the Pacific Northwest.  You are in the Desert and it's almost summer, WTH?  I know what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas but you have gone too far this time.  Too Far!                                Oh, and that hand going all Michael Jackson on his non-existent  junk, yeah that's probably not cool either. Just saying.

On our flight back Ryan's eyes closed for awhile and he exhibited all the signs of someone who had fallen asleep... snoring, slack jaw, rapid eye movement... but it was NOT a nap, no Way!  Ryan considers sleeping during any kind of daylight hours to be a weakness and reference to that will not be tolerated!  So, on our cab ride back from the airport I mentioned his getting a nap in before we landed.  He again snapped at corrected me that he wasn't asleep and it wasn't a damn NAP! I said "Geez dude, we've been partying in Vegas for three days, it's OK to be a little tired!"   In the dark of the cab, rain pouring down on the roof I hear him mutter "That's so weird to hear a mom say that kind of thing."  I, of course, had to remind him... "Yeah, well kid, I've never been a typical mom."  He had no choice but to agree.  He's smart that way! LOL

So raise your glass...or aluminum beer bottle!

While waiting for the elevator to take us downstairs to check out we left someone just starting their adult adventure in Vegas a small  token... I hope Samuel  found a good home, even if he was one bottle short of a six-pack.

 

Art and the Rabtti

In an effort to consolidate the boxes in our garage (with the hope that someday it would house an actual car instead of acting as a glorified storage unit) I dug into a couple boxes that had school work that my mom had saved from grade school.  It was an eye opening experience that I just have to share... lucky YOU!

Among all the papers were old report cards which reminded me of how average a student I was; and how much I appreciate Spell Check because, apparently, I was hooked on Foniks! I noticed a disturbing trend in the report cards when it came to ART class and I thought it was a little unfair for the teachers to judge so harshly... i mean I was a kid, how bad could my art be to be graded in the low C or high D category?  Year after year I improved on most of my classes but not ART; what the hell? 

Digging through more school stuff I found some clues that would bring to light this hater-like attitude to my, uh, 'Art'?  

Now in my defense I was young when I did this, er, Abstract piece. Yes, Abstract... I mean look at the use of color and what can only be intentional-dripping to personify the effect of, ummm, gravity's pull on the blueness of the soul. In fact it exudes so much Abstract Expressionism it would make Jack Pollock, (aka; Jack the Dripper), cry with envy! This is totally B+ grading right here, by golly.

This next piece was obviously from my self-impressionism stage of life... I think. 
The cut out job was pretty good but I only did half my eye makeup, the socks SO don't go with that lovely frock, those pointy-toe shoes are way too wedgie; and where the fuck are my fingers?! 


Yep, starting to see where my art skills may have been questioned, but hey, don't mess with my cut out... she looks like she could kick your ass or at least wedge her shoe up there!






And then I found this.  It was for 
Easter; an Easter Rabtti.  


My Easter Rabtti is, ahhhh, colorful and 
looks to be happy, I guess?  I think that cheerful orange face is trying to hide the fact that
there appears to be some malformation in the arm and leg proportions and, Holy Yuck, is that stomach protrusion some kind of intestinal disorder? Naw, probably just ate too many of those freakishly red eggs ... the ones in that basket, you know, next to the 'goldden' egg which is, Sigh, Grey.

There really is no 'Ism' that could describe this... whatever this is.  

Yeah, I get it now. What those teachers must have thought when looking at my 'art', those poor bastards.




So, I think I finally figured out that my talent didn't express itself so much in Art but more in developing a wicked, and eventually snotty, snarky vocabulary! It can be seen here in this little rhyme which, while not exactly correct, pretty much sums up the sentiment my exploration of Art:


"One, Two: buckel my shoe.
Three, Fore: Don't open the door.
Five, Six: Pick up Stickes
Seven, Eight: Open the gate
Nice, Ten: PISS on the ham"

(and by ham, I'm positive I meant ART)





Over the years you may think that someone so obviously handicapped in the Art department would stay away from things they cannot control... but there are times when the crayons are just sitting there, waiting for true inspiration to explode on the white canvas, (this one created in 2009).  Maybe, just maybe this time it will happen, I'll draw something so profoundly beautiful that I will have my redemption, my A+ ... or not.

Hey, it was worth a try... and that blue thing is a duck; a close relation to the Easter Rabtti.

And your Point is?

How's your commute to work and back? Mine is pretty damn cool… plus I get to see this a lot, well, when the sun is out anyway.  I ride the boats of the Washington State Ferry system every day and after 6 years it's become apparent that the workers who get us safely on and off the boat each day have a unique job description, like no one else's; They Point.

Oh there's some waving and a bit of arm movement as well but for the most part they Point.  See the guy in the stylish neon yellow and orange vest… see what he's doing?

 He's indicating exactly where he wants your car to go with the simple yet effective action of  extending his index finger and by golly you do what that finger says! Sometimes they will help you get your car as close to the one in front of you (*rant to follow later) with a little 'bring it, bitch' finger wave and if you are really good and stop to their satisfaction you get jazz hands as a reward.

Now I'm not trying to belittle their job, I mean what they do involves a lot of thought and skill to get as many vehicles as possible on the boat and you can tell the ones who have been doing it for years; they have that glazed-over look but don't you dare try and go rogue and park where they haven't pointed you to!  That shit isn't happening… did I mention they can yell, like really loudly?  They can and then the Point gets up close and personal, gulp.  It's no surprise that they have developed an attitude considering some of the dip shits super geniuses they have to deal with every day.  I mean all you have to do is follow the finger and park your car; simple right? It's not rocket surgery here people!

I wonder if they have to attend Pointing School, hmmmm.

The things they have to put up with every day must drive them crazy because I have a couple that make me insane… look out people, it's time to RANT!
(Some of you may have heard a portion of this rant before but it bares repeating… it does!)

It seems that almost every ferry boat ride someone’s car alarm goes off because boats, I don’t know,  fucking Move when it's on the water and evidently the crime rate on a Ferry is so drastic that people feel the need to turn their car alarm on… and then go upstairs, leaving their motion-sensitive, alarmed car Alone.  Really?  Because there's a majority of passengers, such as myself, who choose to stay in their car and would pretty much Notice if someone was breaking into their shit … hell, we might even say something to them like "dude, I can see you!"  But no, it takes a ferry worker announcing over the speaker system that a blue BMW's alarm is going off to get their ass back to their car to turn that piece of shit OFF  secure the alarm.  There's not even a walk of shame… they aren't in the least sorry that we've had to listen to that loud, obnoxious, unnecessary sound for the last 5 minutes it's taken to get to their car.  No, they are annoyed that they have to come all the way down and look suspiciously around as if they think someone may have actually tried to break into their car.  Yeah, cause that's how you get away with a bunch of great stuff; breaking into a car that's surrounded by 100+ other parked cars with people in them! GAH! 

And another thing... as I just Pointed out, boats Move and so does your car unless you engage your parking / emergency brake.  It’s so simple really but so many choose to just put their car in park and sit there as they rock back and forth when we do that controlled-crash thing otherwise known as docking. Given that we are parked so close together it’s only a matter of time before those that roll will hit another car... duh!  Parking / Emergency brake... use it. *End Rant* Whew, is it hot in here or is it just me? 

The only other job description that could even come close to what the Ferry workers do would be those construction sign-flaggers… you know the ones that have a Stop / Slow sign on a stick and are usually smoking a cigarette, looking so damn bored they wondered how they got to this point in their life, I mean my Gawd they point for a living, WTF?! But wait, they do more than that… they Point AND turn a sign from Slow to Stop. Ahhh, it all becomes much better than they'd previously thought; It's almost as satisfying as canned cheese. Almost.

And my Point is?  Do what you do with the best you've got.  Take pride in your job and in your Life, even if it involves index fingers, signs you twirl or, uhh … canned cheese, (and a stoned anteater), cause damn life's too short to miss out on that shit!

Welcome 2011… I have a feeling it's going to be an amazingly non-boring year! LOL

Christmas 2010

                                        Warrey Christmas 2010

Hello and Merry Meet to our friends and family!  How was your 2010?  I ask because, as I reflected on the past year I, uhhh, pretty much came up with a blank until sometime in June. Huh, weird. It wasn’t until I read a few of my newsletters from Christmases past that I discovered the reason for my non-total recall... between January and May I basically had nothing to whine about. The weather was mild; nothing needed to be built or installed with the house or yard and life was pretty much the usual routine. So what that says about me is; unless something is Inconvenient, Irritating or Monumental, it simply doesn’t register on my ‘it’s all about me’ radar.  But, as usual, the radar wasn’t silent for long and then came June, which was Monumental! 

A few of my family members are scattered from Seattle on down to California and it had been years since we all got together so we decided it was Reunion time!  We met at my mom's place in Cottage Grove, Oregon; my brother Bob and his family drove up from California and we had a wonderful family party! Cousins, Aunts, Uncles and other relatives I hadn't seen in an embarrassingly long time along with mom's neighbors all gathered for a huge BBQ, complete with live music!  Most definitely Monumental...

Oh yeah, this group knows how to Party like a rock star! (Or at least like someone kinda semi-famous)

In August we joined Steve’s family for a day of fun at Lake Cushman in the Olympic Peninsula. As always we had a lot of fun eating, playing games and swimming... wait; there wasn’t much swimming because it was pretty cool for a summer day. In fact the whole summer was mild which, again, left me with no cause to whine; oh but I got my whine back big time, but more of that later, (I know, you cant hardly wait right)?  My Niece, Dayna, surprised us with happy news that she and her husband Kyle were going to have a baby... and last week precious Erick Warrey Dennis was born. So wonderful to have the Warrey name carry on in the family.  

Now let me just preface this next part by saying that, for most of my classmates, this was a year we turned 50... which is both Monumental and extremely Irritating, hence Memorable,  but we all fell into the abyss of  ‘wait, that’s for old people’ with as much grace as we could muster. I had a hard time mustering anything, let alone grace, so I let it be known there would be no celebration, no party for this crabby, slightly bitter and soon to be OLD person; and with that being said:  I had a birthday party at work... and it was fun!  Famous Dave’s ribs, lots of flowers and well wishes; turns out it was going to be OK to be 50.

 And then something so diabolical happened, something so inconceivable, I literally could not wrap my mind around it.  On a Saturday, well after my actual birthday, Ryan, aka. Master Manipulator of all things Conspiracy lures me and my poofy, muppet-haired self to the Pavilion where I walk into a SURPRISE!!!! Party... it truly was a surprise and I don’t know how they pulled it off.  Delilah and her band of sneaky minions, which included ALL of my family, friends and Co-workers, somehow managed to plan and execute a Disco 70s party that included flying people in and hiding them away, without me finding out! After the initial astonishment wore off and I saw those who took the time to come all the way up to Port Orchard to see what an old person looks like celebrate my big day... well it touched my heart deeply; and I will never trust those Liars ever again!  LOL, seriously I feel so blessed to have so many who love me and who took the time to put on some of the best disco 70s costumes I’ve ever seen. Polyester, ahhh the memories! 

 When Steve, Executive Director of Tharpington manor, isn’t hiding surprise party secrets from his wife - he can be found tending to business in-house and out that seems never ending, especially when it keeps coming back each spring.  Yes my friends, the Battle of the Scotch Broom continued all through out the spring and summer!  Armed with a fortified weed eater, John Deere lawn mower (which seems to think sprinkler heads are tasty and therefore to be chewed up and spit out) and various other arsenals of sharp, ouchy tools… Steve is ridding our land of the heinous weed.  When not waging plant-based war outside he escapes to the mighty man cave to play World of Warcraft; sometimes you can hear his mighty battle cry “Damn it, we’re tanking! Somebody Rez me!”  Ummm, or something like that…they have their own verbiage in WOW, kind of like Klingon.  I think. 

Both Baylee and Bobby love following Steve around and ‘helping’ him with stuff, just super big helpers they are...for taking naps!

Ryan is attending Olympic Community College and working at the Pavilion, and various other places that he’s needed.  He’s taking singing and guitar lessons and is becoming quite the talented artist!  He’s always had a creative way with music and it’s fun to see him explore those areas he’s drawn to.  Loyal to all things Apple and Mac related he continues to revel in the technology of the iPhone, iLaptop and iHate windows!  Just ask him, he’ll tell you how he iHearts Mac and nothing else will do! LOL, he’s managed to convince lots of people so if you think you want to go to the iSide, give him a call and you’ll be converted in an iSecond!  

November is when I got my whine back.  OMG it was one thing after another; rain and wind…and the power goes out.  Snow the week before Thanksgiving and turns to ice… and the power goes out.  Another big wind storm and… the freaking Power goes out!  GAH!  Do you know how boring it is without and how dependent we’ve become on power?  We can’t even flush the toilet without electricity let alone watch TV, play computer or turn a light on.  I have a Kindle and a little book light so I’m actually good for hours on end but Steve, yeah, not so much.  Lots of heavy sighing and ‘what’s there to do’ going on from that one… luckily we have a generator which has been extremely useful; just need to keep it full of gas and we have a lights, a little heat and the TV!  I hear this is the year of La Nina where we will get wetter and colder conditions and I’m thinking we’ve already had a couple months of just that.  After the last power outage we stocked up on the important things needed for survival; Beer, reading material and batteries for the radio… by golly we will NOT be bored again! 

So that was our year in a long winded, definitely snarky nutshell.  Oh, speaking of snarky, I’ve started a blog… www.guttermutter.blogspot.com  it’s name alone should alert you as to the general theme of it; there is swearing and irreverent talk so viewer digression is advised.  It’s so fun to swear there, since I can’t on Facebook! LOL.

We hope your year was happy and productive and that this New Year brings you and yours Peace, Joy and Power… the Power to make others smile.  May 2011 be without Irritations or Inconveniences and full of Monumental Love and Laughter!

Our Love always,

      Dee Dee              Steve                   Ryan

KniteStars@aol.com     Slippnaut@aol.com      Ryan.Warrey@gmail.com

Sweet Cape Vibes

For Halloween this year part of my costume included a long black cape, (OK so I glued a picture of Oprah to a paper plate to make my mask and went as 'Phantom of the Oprah' but that's another story). I was commenting to some of my friends how much fun wearing a cape was, how it flowed behind me when I walked, how it made me feel young again and I wondered why we don't wear them anymore. My long time friend Tash pointed out that according to Edna, from the movie The Incredibles, capes are hazardous to superheros; getting sucked into jet engines, snagged on rockets, pulled into a vortex of wind... you know, the usual superhero stuff! Yes, Edna does have a very valid point but there are more dynamics to wearing capes than that... there are a variety of capes and each have a certain Vibe to them that influence not only what others think about you but how you feel about yourself!

For Example:



Feeling a little Fangy? Here's a cape guaranteed to make almost anyone's blood run hot.  You are rockin it Christopher Lee... eat your heart out Edward of Twilight, you glittery bastard!

Hey, Green is the new… Green!

And for those times where you need an accessory that says "And your little dog too!" You know, that accent piece that just begs someone to comment on the broom you rode in on or your  choice of make up color... yeah bitch, I dare you to comment.  Do it. 







 

 

For those special occasions there's even a cape that will make people sit up and take notice! Oh yes they will.

Who looks Fabulous? You do Darling!

But when I think of wearing a cape it's this level of coolness that comes to mind... bad-ass Jedi Warriors; they sure as hell don't have a problem fighting evil with their capes on, hell they even have a hoodie attached!

 Oh Yeah, an Elf with bitchin threads and his bow and arrow… you wanna make fun of his pointy ears and long blond hair?  I didn't think so.

Even kings wear capes … although I'd have chosen a different necklace for that outfit but whatever; I guess when your girlfriend gives you bling you damn well better wear it! (Especially when her cousin is an Elf with a bow and arrow…  Aragorn seems resigned to the emasculating wardrobe malfunction but vows to overcompensate by wearing lots of testosterone-laden leather and armor, with feathers,  for his horse. Rowr!)

Check out this cape!  Only Super Girl could pull this look off. Wait, what do you mean you don't see a cape. It's right there.  It's red...On her shoulder.  No, up higher; yeah, that shoulder.

It's a Light Saber Batman & No,
I'm not happy to see you.

But The Best caped role models, for me, would have to be Batman and Darth Vader… just look at the way their capes flow as they walk, emanating power and kick-ass-ness! Now That's how to wear a Cape! They own wearing a cape with such confidence you naturally surrender to their superior intellect and attitude because their cool factor is above all others. No one could possibly rock a better cape-tude than these guys! 

Well, at least until you see these capes… it's hard to compete with sequins, Right?

Only in the Pacific Northwest...

Preface:  I don’t hate many things in life but there are a few things that, when I do use the word Hate in reference to, I frickin mean it. 

I Hate Slugs.  Those gelatinous blobs of snot have absolutely no reason to exist in this world except, perhaps, as duck food.  Snails are slightly less vile only because they have a shell and don’t expose their entire gooey carcasses for the world to see.  The slime those ghastly gastropods emit only completes my disgust factor…those glistening goo trails that never seem to dissipate brings me full circle as to why I Hate Slugs.  The fact that people actually cook and eat snails, (with butter because, excuse me, it would be so wrong to forget that important dairy product while eating slugs snails!), gags me green.  

Ok, so now that you are intimately aware of my epic issues with the you-know-whats, let me just share this with you:

Only in the Pacific Northwest will you... 

Last week I went out to my car to go to work and there was a huge banana slug On My Car! Like almost to the roof On My Car.  WTF? How?  I mean how does a slug actually climb a car?  I can see starting with a tire but honestly how did that secreting bastard reach the wheel well enough to continue his quest to the top of Mt. Toyota?  (If you aren’t familiar with the Banana slug, they are large and resemble an old, black-spotted banana in a kind I’m-so-not-eating-that-ever kind of way … and then add drippy goop; yeah, sounds tasty doesn’t it? *Shudder* Seriously, I don’t think even the duck would eat that shit).  My guess is that this was a particularly over zealous and vastly directionally challenged slug with a can-do, ( but why?), attitude.  Never the less that slick sucker was stuck to my car and I didn’t have time to cause much violence dislodge it from my car so off I drove to the Ferry.  I don’t know how long it took Sluggy to figure out that no good could come from his current situation and bail but when I got to work he was gone.  I sincerely hope he didn’t decide to make the Ferry his new home… can you imagine one of the workers looking up only to see a huge slug stuck to the side of the wall and thinking “WTF?     How?”

I thought that would be the end of that horrific, random weirdness but I was wrong…

The next morning I go out to my car and see…WTF?!  New slug tracks All Over My Car! I’m saying, allllllll over the car; my car was slug-raped.  GAH!  I can’t tell you how violated I felt on behalf of my poor car, a victim of revenge.  It had to be a relative of Sluggy’s that defiled the innocent paint job on my car… some sick retaliation for doing a drive-by on his banana cousin; that’s the only thing that would explain the colossal ‘Screw You’ messaged slimmed all over My CAR!  Did I mention I really Hate slugs?

I’m not without resources to counteract those who would defile my precious transportation, oh No!  Tonight those depraved fucks are going to have a delicious meal compliments of Bayer Advanced Slug and Snail KILLER; (Safe to use around pets and wildlife) Muwahahahahaaaa! 

If they thought they could take over my ride and gross me green they have another thing coming… Tommy Lee Jones and I have only this to say to them: 

                           

How many Links does it take...

Caution: Contents of this post contain mature subject matter and it will, most likely, only go down hill from here.(Oh and there will also be a lot of unnecessary links just to waste your time further). You have been warned!   

And yet, you are still reading aren't you? Naughty... 

Have you noticed how Sexual Innuendo has managed to make it's way into every day life?  Oh, it's subtle to be sure but it's everywhere! Here's a few examples I've run across, I think you'll see what I mean.


As I perused  through the cheese section of QFC I ran across this... and frankly I don't know whether it's a good thing to be Semi-Anything let alone Mild, but since it looked like a personal issue,  I wished Cheddar the best of luck and moved to the Big Cheese section; hey Big is always better than Semi, right?

Don't you love how anything Italicized can become it's own Sexual Innuendo? Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge.



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